Every Now and Then I Fall Apart

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They told me not to look. Experts. Friends. Everyone literally agreed. Looking would only bring pain. The image would be there forever, burned indelibly on my mind . There would be regret. Massive regret. And what was there to gain? Did I really want permanent damage in an attempt to satisfy a curiosity that is sure to be insatiable? I knew what I would see, didn’t I? I have seen the pictures. It was sure to be the same. Those same images with that same hashtag. But hope is so hard to kill. It won’t die no matter how often it is plunged through the heart with reality. So I looked. I couldn’t not. And oh my Lord how it hurt. It hurt worse than I expected, for I am familiar with the pain. I have looked before. Many times. Daily, if I am honest. Always looking at his instagram account in this stupid, desperate attempt to find the person I thought we knew. But he’s not there. He’s never there. In his place is this person who is living a dream, a dream that has become our nightmare. A dream filled with sunrises and ocean waves but none of us. We aren’t there. And he calls it good.  Anger is so much easier. Anger doesn’t allow for hope. Harsh words protect, providing a perverted comfort. Oh God, why did I hope? The obvious protection is to look away. Don’t think about it. Don’t hope. But I did, and it’s too late. The damage is done and  the daily roll call of questions begin to file through my mind. How could he? Why won’t he? What was ever real? Then as sudden as it came, the darkness passes and the light returns. The light of my Savior, my family, my friends.  I know tomorrow there will be another opportunity to look, to hope, to burn. But I won’t. Not this time. I will not let one solitary image take precedence over the world of wonder around me. Not again.

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7 thoughts on “Every Now and Then I Fall Apart

  1. You described the pain really well, and I was drawn into it empathetically–so sorry such pain came to your family. I pray the Lord brings healing. For some reason it made me think of Mary being told “a sword would pierce her heart” when she saw Jesus. That sword in her heart was somehow all part of the plan and Jesus also had a plan to heal the sword wound. It’s hard to understand the plan though sometimes. That’s where I struggle the most. Anyways, thanks for writing this post.

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  2. Sorry meant to type “when she saw Jesus dying on the cross” in my first comment.

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  3. I just read this. I missed it last night in my emails. Love you…love you all. Praying for healing in your hearts. Oh the painful process…hard doesn’t begin to describe it.

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  4. “Every Day at Noon I Fall Apart… And I really hate facebook. And I hate it more than ever….” I have been completely clobbered by facebook. facebook and everyone’s perfect families. Exciting social lives. Instagram and other chef’s more exciting desserts. And the unthinkable: CLEAN MINI VANS! On a good day I smile at the world travels and 5 star desserts others post, but some days, OK, most days, I hate it. My transparency always feels like a good idea until I see everyone’s easy, care free lives. What is wrong with me? Why is my life so hard? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?! Whatever. I don’t care. Except I do care. I wish I didn’t care. “….every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears…” I’m. so. sad.
    Is that being too transparent? Oops, I did it again. Wait, wrong decade.

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    • You’re not alone, Elizabeth. I know exactly how you feel. That experience of always seeing a world that “has it all together” (even if what they’re portraying is a carefully staged illusion) can really kill the heart. Social media amplifies it.

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    • Oh my gosh I love you girl! You feel me!!! And NOBODY has more exciting desserts than you! NOBODY!! Thank you for reading and sitting with me in this moment. Not everyone can tell the truth. But we can. Every day at noon. xoxo

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